To Walk in Beauty

September is national recovery month. What comes to your mind when I say recovery? Recently at a Yoga and recovery retreat at Yogaville, VA I heard this: “What do they mean by recovery? I just had oral surgery, and I am recovering from the treatment. Is that recovery?” In her experience she was in recovery. I have been in recovery from cancer, and in recovery from addictions. Both have their unique challenges.

For most of us who are in recovery from a physical, mental and emotional addiction, our only solution is a spiritual one. Reaching for a spiritual solution is opening to a power greater than the everyday minutiae of life. That power is beautiful and all about love. Finding that beauty in me, and the universe around me is a huge part of my recovery. My spirituality is always creative; it is at the center of all that is good, noble, and inspiring.

For most of my life I have had an awareness of the beauty of this world and an appreciation of what people can produce. Sobriety has made my writing as an art form more accessible. Sobriety helps me to broaden my horizons and see all the beauty around me. Today I see beauty everywhere in paintings, sculpture, music, literature, and the art of nature. Personally I cannot paint or draw more than stick figures, however, I appreciate and have a feeling of belonging to the beauty of this world. In a sense, it all happens and takes shape through me. The deepening of my spirituality has brought the beauty of the universe into my life to a greater level than I thought possible.

Today I know I walk in beauty. My meditation is: thank you for the desire and ability to re-create Your splendor through my experiences.

You and I are Not Damaged Goods

How we can cultivate the courage, compassion, and connection to go to bed at night thinking, ‘Yes, I am sometimes afraid, but I am also brave. And, yes, I am imperfect, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am enough, and worthy of love. I am enough! What a concept! Would I rather think I am enough than think I am damaged goods? You bet. Would you rather feel worthy and loveable? I am sure. What stops us from feeling whole, brave and accepting all of who we are? What will help us to realize that we are not damaged, or that there are no mistakes? What are the tools we have or can create to change those beliefs?

This message of being damaged goods is pervasive and insidious. It can also be a self-fulfilling prophecy. We may say to ourselves, “I think I am damaged therefore I act like I am damaged. And if I act like I am damaged then I don’t have to act out of self-respect let alone self-esteem.” Thinking we are damaged may be at the root of casual violence, drug use, or any form of self abuse. The thought that we are damaged is wholly based in shame. When we create awareness of how we carry shame in our lives we take our first steps towards freedom. I am, and hopefully you are, ready to change that message.

Do we carry shame like some kind of emotional genetic code? Does our parents shame becomes our shame? Maybe it doesn’t look exactly the same. My mother was ashamed of her immigrant mother, my father was ashamed of his hillbilly father. My shame  comes out in second guessing and berating myself for apparent mistakes. Are we carrying shame around as if it is the sweetest smelling nosegay when actually it is a “hot mess” as the teens are saying these days?

Awareness of these messages of shame is the first step. Maybe the second is the realization that shame is carried forward through our families. My mother was ashamed so therefore she shamed me. If I can let her off the proverbial hook, then maybe I can do the same for myself. And only THEN we can create a tool that addresses these beliefs at the unconscious level. To simply notice something may or may not change it…however, when we interrupt the negative pattern and consciously reprogram the unconscious change is more likely to occur.

Most of us ‘try’ to change our idea of being damaged goods at the level of willpower. As in “I won’t think that way anymore…I will not think that way anymore…I will not think…oh shoot! I am back there again.” If we are still doing the same thing, can we continue to be surprised when we get the same results?

I had a conversation with a mentor the other day. We were talking about the pattern I still have after all these years of therapy and recovery of being upset by little things that did not go as planned. I used to call them mistakes and grind them into me like a broken record. She and I were talking on the porch of a grocery store, and just inside the door was a large sign that said, “Thank you!” And I realized that I could say thank you, when I have turned left instead of right. Thank you when I did not have the answer to a clients question. By saying thank you I am acknowledging that there might have been a reason for the left turn, or for saying “I don’t know”. I can be grateful that each time these alleged mistakes happened they  provided me with a chance to do something different. The first time I said thank you rather than berating myself the feeling of freedom and internal space was sublime.

You may already know that you are not damaged. You may already realize that you are worthy and loveable. What do you do to change your beliefs around shame, being damaged or making mistakes? What do you do to claim that you are indeed “Enough”?

What! You Did Not Do What I Wanted!

Today is 9/11. The memory of watching the planes go through the twin towers will always replay in my mind. Those actions continue to put things in my life into perspective. On that day, I could no longer as an American remain untouched by global violence. I was not in New York or DC at the time, however, I had friends who were, and they described eloquently what they went through. My illusion of “it can’t happen here” was busted. 9/11 made it abundantly clear that we are one world. I may not always understand or even like my world family, but we are all still living together on this one beautiful jewel of a planet. We all have a choice whether to live in fear, or live with love. And this day of all days is a reminder of that choice.

Today, I again realize that we are indeed one people, one world, one messy family. With that realization I can no longer focus on the miniscule dramas of my life. The thoughts of “but you said you would, but you promised, but you were going to, stop ricocheting around in my brain. They just don’t seem as important. I can relax into more acceptance for what is. I can let go of fear and move into a place of loving my messy family. I can forgive people for not doing what I wanted them to do. I can let go of my expectations, resentments and come back to being in the present.

Powerlessness, lack of control that is often my dilemma. And when I feel powerless I can find myself wanting to fight back and strive to have control again. When I am caught with that striving I think my vision of how the world ought to be is the correct one. My vision is flawed — after all I wear contacts because I am near-sighted. Though I strive to see a larger perspective I am still limited. And with that limitation I cannot see the perfection of what is.

The planes flying into the twin towers are an extreme example of powerlessness. There was nothing that could have stopped them in that moment. We don’t live in a world where there are Supermen, or other comic book heroes who can step in at the last moment and lasso the planes. Conversely, I am not a superhero. I am not perfect, I am a beautiful woman who is growing into more strength and beauty each day. I have to keep reminding myself that I am not in charge of the outcomes. I am not in charge period. Some days there is comfort in that thought. Other days I want to be the superhero that stops the planes from destroying so many lives.

So on this day of remembrance I offer the message of Hoʻoponopono (ho-o-pono-pono). Ho’oponopono is an ancient Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness. “Hoʻoponopono” is defined in the Hawaiian Dictionary as “mental cleansing” in a family conference in which relationships were set right through prayer, discussion, confession, repentance, and mutual restitution and forgiveness. What can you do today to cleanse your world? What can you do to bring forgiveness into your heart? This is my offering.  I love you. I am sorry. Forgive me. Thank you.

A Little Night Magic

Excerpt from the poem “Crazy Wisdom” published in Lightning Strikes Twice

dreaming the primordial word

I nestle in the palm of night’s hand visible yet empty

blinking in the radiance of the galactic eye

embracing whole worlds of the eye within the eye

perching on my shoulder angels sing hallelujah

invisible paws padding by my feet whisper put faith in every pace

smelling restless noise the tip of my tail twitches I lick my lips

don’t stop me before I am lost

curling up against night’s belly her great head turns towards me

her gaze stars full of mercy and magic

accepting timeless wonder my breath embraces dakinis devas

the dry rattle of skulls following every movement

praising the diamond night

I am the crazy wisdom of no hope and no fear

Because the Night Belongs to Lovers **

It seems I have always contemplated the stars. As early as I can remember I named the constellations, or made up my own. After midnight I feel more complete. I wrap the silence and the the velvety touch of darkness around me, a cape full of magic. I am safe inside this cape as I soak up the space that is empty of other people’s thoughts, and activity. Whole poems come to me in the quiet. Magic happens in through hearing an owl’s call. The night has always been my lover. Like Galileo I am wildly “in love” with the stars. However, sleeping has always been a challenge. And that is part of my story I want to change.

I am a walking contradiction. I am in love with the night, the stars and the darkness. But I am often sleep deprived. I have lucid dreams. But all too often I can’t remember them because I have not been able to get to a deep sleep. I have been told that acceptance is the key to change. I am learning that I need to accept my contradictions as they are all a part of me. I am a work in progress and I am changing my story.

I have an obsession about my sleep space. I have 100% cotton sheets, a pillow top mattress, and a special neck pillow. I have cleared out the space around my bed so my mind can drift and hopefully fall back asleep. I am willing to do all I can to create a space conducive to slumber.

When I was a senior in high school I just could not get to sleep. So instead, I read most of the night with my flashlight under the covers. Since then I have often joked that I do the 3:00 am, and 5:00 am shifts when I cannot sleep. Lack of sleep has often been my middle name – Mari, lack of sleep, Selby. Sometimes I am able to accept the sleep interruptions as part of who I am, part of whatever healing I am undergoing, and part of my passion for the night. Other times I get mad at myself for not having enough sleep to make it through my day. Then there are those frequent times that I take a nap and then I am not able to sleep until after midnight. And that begins a cycle of late nights, early mornings and then napping. How do I come to peace with this challenge is my question?

Sleep is important to everyone’s brain function and health. As someone who deals with Fibromyalgia sleep is the key to my not being in pain all the time. I have tried so many sleep aids. From melatonin to Calms, to Ambien and other sleep drugs. Sometimes the natural remedies would work for a little while then stop working. Or in the case of the drugs leave me feeling groggy and unable to function. I have even gone to a sleep lab and was prescribed a CPAP machine for sleep apnea.

Since losing a great deal of weight sleep apnea is no longer an issue. I meditate and my mind slows down. I practice yoga and my body is more relaxed. I give myself an Ayurvedic oil treatment before I go to bed and that relaxes my muscles and gives me a wonderful hit of loving myself.

Maybe in addition to calling myself a cancer warrior, I can also refer to myself as a sleep warrior. I have fought and the battleground is inside me. Maybe one day there will no longer be a fight, no longer be a battleground. Maybe one day I will feel more integrated with my passion for the night and sleep. Meanwhile I am willing to do all I can, follow any suggestion, and most of all be open to changing this story. I am tired of this chapter. It is time to turn the page.

** Patti Smith sang “Because the Night” in the 70’s

Memory, Fear and the Magic of Awareness

I wrote my first book when I was 10, a fact I had forgotten until recently.  Something in my current life, I’m not sure what, triggered a memory of a favorite childhood book, Mr. Mysterious and Company by Sid Fleischman.  The memory then took me down the path to the “knock-off” story I wrote, illustrated and bound in a little handmade cover as a project for one of my teachers.  Fleischman’s original story is one of a traveling family of magicians and their adventures. My story was about me joining that happy band of nomadic performers and leaving my current life behind.  In my story, I was free and happy and no longer bound by the life I was really leading.  It was a fantasy I translated to paper.

It’s a good memory, and one that always reminds me of my earliest passions for writing.  But the memory is also laced with terror, and the minute I go deeper, troubling, fearful emotions of my early childhood begin to arise. That crude little book was my first attempt to deal with those stories, real and imagined, that pop up when we least expect them.

Memory and the stories we tell ourselves about them are like that. They are not just snapshots in time of what really happened to us, but a complex patchwork of multiple, sometimes unrelated experiences that can shape what we remember, and more importantly, change our present reality.  Sometimes the stories are buried, unreachable, running in the background of our lives without our conscious awareness, but affecting us immensely anyway.  The can keep us mired in fear, anxiety and unable to move forward.

The good news is that scientists and healers know a lot more about memory and the impact of the stories we unconsciously tell ourselves.  We can change how memory and fearful stories about what might happen rule our lives.  It’s a process of excavation and revision, but with care and awareness we can rewrite the stories that keep us tethered to fear.   And that’s real magic.

How do you own your fearful memories?

We Are All Stars – What About the Body?

“The Body is the inescapable factor…you can keep in good shape for what you are…but radical change is impossible. Health isn’t making everybody into a Greek ideal; it’s living out the destiny of the body…You have to know yourself physiologically and people don’t want to believe the truth about themselves. They get some mental picture of themselves and then they devil the poor body, trying to make it like the picture. When it won’t obey – can’t obey, of course – they are mad at it, and live in it as if it were an unsatisfactory house they were hoping to move out of. A lot of illness comes from this.” Robertson Davies –Rebel Angels

What do you think is this true for you? Do you have an embodiment issue?

I can see how it was true for me. I existed in my body as if it was some flawed cloak I could throw off at any time for a better more perfect one. My preferred body was a celestial one. Happily flying to the stars, giving readings as an astrologer, or hanging out with non-corporeal friends were the best of times. Demanding my body obey me – I envisioned a thinner body, straighter hair, and an ability to float from one experience to the next. Instead of receiving obeisance I was stuck in a peasant body. Curly hair, stocky frame, primitive dancer, and a big mouth.

Vulnerability – Anxiety Girl is Changing

Dr. Brene Brown “The vulnerability paradox: It’s the first thing I look for in you and the last thing I want you to see in me. Trying to remember to show up and be seen today!”

Being vulnerable as an adult is about feeling safe in the world. A friend shared this wonderful affirmation – In my world of loving, generous, joyful stable souls I am safe moving forward with my gifts and dreams. When I  say the word “safe” my heart takes a giant leap. I have to breathe in I am safe, I am safe, I am safe. Now if only I could wave a magic wand and convince all of myself this is true life would be so different. Because those moments when I know that the world is safe life is wonderful.

By now I have learned that feeling vulnerable doesn’t have to hurt. Growing up with my father’s bullying behavior shaped my life and instilled a form of PTSD in me. I was not safe being myself and definitely felt alone. As an adult memories of abuse get triggered when I feel scared and alone. Then I feel powerless just like I did when I was a child. When I am caught by these anxieties I forget that I am no longer a child. Feeling vulnerable can send me into a panic and the anxiety builds. That’s when anxiety girl takes over to find a solution to whatever problem is causing me discomfort.

Most of my life anxiety girl was the mask I wore. When I was caught being her I was careful where I would be seen and often stopped myself from attending parties or other social events because of how vulnerable I felt. I would do anything rather than feel the anxiety. Besides hiding there were other remedies that I sought to soothe that anxiety. Anxiety girl was always hungry. Or if she wasn’t hungry she was thirsty. Anxiety girl always needed more escape routes whether it was FB games or reading science fiction. Soothing the anxiety was a full time job.

The good news is that the mask of anxiety is changing. Anxiety girl does not have such a strangle hold on me or my emotions. Instead of soothing her with substances, or escape I am writing more. Daily I am walking more out into the world with my heart open as I am safer being me. I can breathe when I take risks. Instead of fighting the powerless feeling I am accepting that there is a solution to feeling powerless. Instead of feeling alone, I am reaching for a power greater than me and feeling comforted by that power.

Today how I react to being vulnerable can change from day to day. Some days I still feel so vulnerable I can’t bear to be seen. Other days vulnerability is a powerful place that exists in me, a place that exists totally without fear. It’s just me being human walking out into the world heart open.

What do you think? What does vulnerability mean to you? How do you react to being vulnerable?

The Conundrum of Memory

“Memories are constructed like a patchwork from multiple sources, and while in spite of its complexity memory is usually very reliable, it can sometimes deceive us badly…even though memory can be elusive at times and dead wrong at others, it still forms the most strongly held beliefs about ourselves. Our fallible memories shape our reality. (Schacter pg. 206)”

Excerpt, What My Heart Saw: Untangling Memory & How the Brain Heals” 

“It is the exhilarating experience of freedom from time, history, and personality. This feels like peace—but not an ordinary kind of peace. It is a peace in which you are simultaneously awake to the mysterious presence of a depth without end and mesmerized by an overwhelming sense of awe.” – See more at: http://whatmyheartsaw.tumblr.com/post/41366781477/lose-your-mind-at-least-twice-a-year#sthash.8HtGc4XH.dpuf

Everything Changes…

“The anguish at my mother still having pictures of a man that hurt us so profoundly dissolves as quickly as it welled up, the bitter bile of wishing my life had gone differently ebbing out on each breath. I now know the suffering we endure and inflict on others, the precious resources we strip away as we claw and scratch through life, aren’t meant to be held tightly or remembered accurately. Everything changes, and to believe we can know the beginning or the end of the story is the only true madness.”

Excerpt, What My Heart Saw: Untangling Memory and How the Brain Heals

Available on amazon.com